1. Pretend that zucchini ribbons are pasta WITHOUT crying.
It’s like, even if you know someone swapped your baby for a different but similar-looking baby, it’s not like you’re gonna love the impostor baby any less right?
2. Make sure you UNDERSTAND that cauliflower is the new kale.
You still have to eat kale though. Never stop eating kale.
3. Get all up on some chia seeds.
Find some chia seeds and slam ‘em in ya mouth. GET IN THERE.
4. Learn how to pronounce “quinoa” with a subtle air of superiority.
Practice in the mirror if you need to.
5. An acceptable fun and healthy salad topping is NOT your own tears.
Look, you need to stop crying. You know what actually makes a much better salad topping than human tears? It’s your new best friend, quinoa! No, don’t start crying again.
7. Pretend mashed up cauliflower is “mashed potatoes” WITHOUT making a super sad puppy face.
That goes double for saying “paleo mashed potatoes” without throwing up inside (or outside) your mouth.
8. Incorporate coconut oil into every aspect of your life until you can’t tell where you end and the coconut oil begins.
If you’re not leaving greasy coconut trails wherever you go, you’re doing it wrong.
9. Don’t forget that you can remove delicious things from your life and replace them with Greek yogurt.
Love macaroni and cheese but hate the fat? Just swap out butter for Greek yogurt and then stare off into space for 45 minutes while you ponder what the point of life is.
10. Make sure people have VISUAL CONFIRMATION that you are drinking green juice.
If no one saw you drink it, what a waste.
11. Don’t forget to treat yourself to dessert.* (*Bananas)
Get excited! There’s nothing quite as decadent and wonderful as sliced up bananas covered in cinnamon—just kidding! THIS IS A TRAP. BANANAS ARE GLUTTONOUS SUGAR BOMBS. NEVER EAT THEM. If you fell for this, you’re not ready.