â€” Ivanka Trump (@IvankaTrump) February 15, 2012
I asked Siri how much Apple pays her per hour and she began to sob.
â€” Andy Borowitz (@BorowitzReport) February 15, 2012
Each time a kid types “amirite” instead of “am I right” they should have to watch their parents fuck.
â€” Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) February 15, 2012
So whaddya think? And yes, they are prescription. twitter.com/crystalbowersoâ€¦
â€” Crystal Bowersox (@crystalbowersox) February 15, 2012
I wonder how many accidents have been caused by car-aoke Whitney tributes this week.
â€” olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) February 15, 2012
Woody Guthrie’s guitar said This Machine Kills Fascists. My macbook says This Machine Kills Boners For a Little While, Like 15-30 Minutes.
â€” Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) February 15, 2012
â€” Gillian Jacobs (@GillianJacobs) February 15, 2012
â€” Tyra Banks (@tyrabanks) February 15, 2012
MEGADETH frontman DAVE MUSTAINErecently backed Rick Santorum for president. Cool! I can finally stop pretending to like MEGADETH
â€” Jonah Ray (@jonahray) February 15, 2012
Come over here girl, and lemme drop some of this Love Ranch in ya lap
â€” Damon Wayans Yunior? (@wayansjr) February 15, 2012
“yo I need to live my LIFE with safe search off!” – google programmer, drunk, realizing he has to #keepitcrispy
â€” Pete Holmes (@peteholmez) February 15, 2012
i think i spent a year of my life eating nothing but cool ranch doritos and ecto cooler.
â€” Pete Wentz – RE:PETE (@petewentz) February 15, 2012
My son: what are all these valentines? What about candy?
â€” mary lynn rajskub (@rajskub) February 15, 2012
If Asian Harvard grads are gonna dominate the NBA, what’s left for the rest of us?
â€” Ted Alexandro (@tedalexandro) February 15, 2012
Thanks for the map. Without it I’d get lost.say.ly/haF1qF1
â€” Hope Dworaczyk (@HopeDworaczyk) February 15, 2012
If it was between me and the other guy, wouldn’t you always go with me?I mean almost always?Right?
â€” matthew lillard (@MatthewLillard) February 15, 2012
Just wrote an essay. Think it turned out pretty good. Can’t wait for you guys to read it!
â€” Kendra Wilkinson (@KendraWilkinson) February 15, 2012
Chris Brown tweets: Hate all u want becuz I got a Grammy. R. Kelly, El Debarge? Once again, you beat the shit out of a weak opponent #coward
â€” Lisa Lampanelli (@LisaLampanelli) February 15, 2012
Not for nothing, but @michaelianblack just RT’d someone while we are on the phone. I have caught him and he has apologized.
â€” Mike Birbiglia (@birbigs) February 15, 2012
That awkward moment when you’re looking everywhere for your cell phone, and you slowly realize you’re currently on it. #SpaceCadet
â€” MichelleTrachtenberg (@RealMichelleT) February 15, 2012
Welcome to Austin, TX. twitter.com/benkweller/staâ€¦
â€” Ben Kweller (@benkweller) February 15, 2012
I want to take karate but it’s too expensive so I’m going to do a bunch of meth and convince myself I’m Bruce Lee.
â€” Nick Swardson (@NickSwardson) February 15, 2012
Kellogg’s is buying out Pringles. Should my next shame-based breakfast b sourcream+onion or salt+vinegar flavored?
â€” Kathy Griffin (@kathygriffin) February 15, 2012
Not all old guys like it when you send over a free cup of soup in a restaurant then mouth the words, “Enjoy Mr. Hobo!”
â€” Rob Huebel (@robhuebel) February 15, 2012